I think about you during the holidays. This is my second Christmas without you. I think it is the third since Brittny or Zack have shared any kind of Holiday tradition with me. It makes me sad, and it makes me wonder about so many things.
Lauren is getting big. Her big blue eyes shines with wonder in only the way a childs eyes can. She is smart and funny and full of curiousity. Always on her lips are questions waiting to escape. She bursts with energy. Forever bouncing and tumbling around our living room. She is going to be four soon and I find myself in awe at the very idea that four years has flown by without me even realizing it. I see her life before my eyes. I can see her doll-like face as she travles through the years. Sweet sixteen, graduation, wedding day..oh I freak myself our just thinking of it!! The question always on my mind is, will she allow me to be there with her, or will she leave me behind. A question I shouldn't have to worry about, but I do. A question I never had untill you.
Evan is our little man. He is tender and open-hearted. He looks at you with unabashed love. So full of trust, so full of acceptance. He took his first step on December 2nd. He walked from the coffee table to the couch. He hasn't really done it since. Everytime he realizes he is walking, he gets stage fright and drops right down on his diper before I can even say "way to go Buddy!!" He laughs and smiles, little gifts he generously gives! I am inamored with him and humbled to be the one to watch him grow. It is just one of the things that you are missing.
I want you to know that I apperciate the Christmas cards for the kids. I know you must miss them. I am just wondering, what about me mom? Do you miss me? Never have I gotten a card, letter, or explaination. I don't need much, I just need permission to make my choices and still have the love and support of a mother. Love is not a prize that you award to those that do things the way you want things done, love is a gift given without strings attached. Love is always accepting. Love is non judgemental. Love looks beyond choices and expectations and sees the heart. I know that you are my mother so you do love me. But you also judge me and my choices. It is not up to you anymore to dictate how I live my life. Your only job is to support me and cheer me on. When I needed suppport the most, you turned around and walked out of the room. Did you see the pleading in my eyes? Did you hear the need in my voice as I called out to you? "Don't do this Mom", I said. Don't do this. But you did. My mother or my husband, but not both. How can I make a choice like that? And when my back was up against the wall and I was forced to make that choice, how can you be surprised and hurt by the consequences? My mother or my father, but not both. How can I make a choice like that? And loving my father is not choosing him. I can love you both. But you wouldn't let me love you both.
I love you Mom, and I always will. A part of me will always need you. I am taking the need for you and turning it into something productive. I am showing my little princess and my little buddy boy that I will support them in all there endeavers. Right now, at there young age, that consists of making messes and masterpeices out of construction paper. But when there endeavers become more advanced, then so will my support. You don't have to agree with someone to support them.
I love being a mom. I remember all the beautiful times you gave me as a child. I remember going to you when my dreams were haunted by a monster, or when my knee was skined while trying to ride a bike. I will take those good memories, and also the bad, and work on being the best Mom I can be. I will put my agenda last, and the hearts of my babies first. So thank you for all you taught me. All the laughter and all the tears has made me very consious of my children's needs. I guess all I have to say now is Merry Christmas Mom. I am still carring in my heart a hope for our future.