Thursday, June 19, 2008

Night Terrors

After the teeth are bushed and the prayers are said, after the books are read and the covers tucked, you expect your little ones to drift off in the land of Blink and Nod. But sometimes there little minds are not filled with cloudy wonders, but instead filled with stormy rages. Not all the time, but maybe once every two months, Lauren wakes up screaming. Chad and I still have not gotten out of her what it is exactly that she dreams about to bring on these episodes. Her eyes are usually blank and distant and she won't let Chad or I hold her to calm her down. I think that she isn't fully awake when we come running. It usually takes a good hour, maybe more to get her calmed down enough to go back to sleep, and I will most likely end up in her small little toddler bed, holding her untill her breathing evens out. It breaks my heart to see complete terror in her eyes and I really don't know where these dreams come from. I wish nothing more then angelic dreams for my little angel, but it isn't always the case. At least it is only every so often and not every night.

Picture Update

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Facing the Storms.

The sky was purple, the waters were gray, and the beach was littered with sea foam. And we were alone, walking hand in hand. Only a single baby seal crying out for it's mother shared the beach with us. No one ealse was crazy enough to even go to the beach on a day like that. My teeth were chattering from the cold, but I hardly noticed. My fingers were wraped tightly around Chad's and stuffed into his coat pocket to keep warm. It was one of my favorite moments dating Chad. All I could think of as we looked out upon the great void of the ocean was, this would be the perfect time and place for him to ask me to marry him. I have never needed a public display of affection. After all, it's not what they do for you when everyone can see and judge there actions, it is what they do for you when the door is shut to the world that lets you know how much they love you. He didn't ask then though. He wouldn't ask me for an other week. But that didn't spoil the date. We stood there side by side and faced that storm head on, never flinching. If we had know just how apporpraite a medaphore for marraige facing that storm was, then it really would have been the perfect time to get engaged.

We have been married 5, going on 6 years. January 31st 2003. For better or for worse, it was the day that change my life forever. My name would always be connected to Chad's. And since that day, we have faced alot of storms together. School, heart opperations, stomaches being pumped, post-pardom depression, lack of money, lack of sleep, lack of family support, babies, and even a time when we had to decided if what we have was worth fighting for. I have loved him and hated him, and sometimes I have loved and hated him at the sametime. I have watched his face morph into love, anger, regret, happiness, peace, and sometimes dispare. He holds the weight of our little world on his sholders, and I see the pressure of it in his eyes. I know everything about him, I have heard all his stories and he has heard mine, and yet I learn new things everyday.

This is a personal post. It is for someone that I love. I want her to know that it is worth it. Every hair I have pulled out in frustration, every tear that he has made me shed in sorrow, every sleepless night and stupid fight (and even the not so stupid ones). I wouldn't trade one hard time with my Chad, for a million easy happy ones without him. I am so blessed and very grateful for the lessons that we have learned together. All the crap that we went through a couple years ago has made us stronger and happier then anyone I know. And I know that we wouldn't be enjoying the priceless gold of our relationship without the burning refiners fire that we went through. I know I can face anything with Chad, because we have already stood hand in hand and faced a storm that would have blown anyone ealse over. And I hope to watch other storms come and go with him by my side. He is etched into my heart. He is part of my soul. When he holds me tight in his arms, I am not sure if he couldn't just breathe for me. He is so much a part of me that I couldn't exsist without him by my side. I could live, but living and exsisting are two seperate things. Is he perfect? No, but neither am I. Is he perfect for me? Yes, he was my choice and still is. He truely is the great love of my life. All I can do is look forward. It does no good to look back. So here I stand, with my eyes wide open, unflinching, into our future. I don't know how many days the sun will shine on my face, or how loud the winds will blow. All I need to know is weather or not Chad will be there to hold my hand. And he is, and always will. You see, I don't believe that saying that sometimes love isn't enough because sometimes, love is all that you have.