Thursday, April 17, 2008


I have gotten a couple of tags, so here I go. I'll do Molly's first.
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? I was in Russia with the ILP program. In April is when the UN bombed Kosavo wich is a slavic nation. Russia is like kosovo's big brother. So tentions were high at the time. Russia was talking about retaliation and there was a possiblity that they would close the borders. So it was pritty tense there. But I still loved it. The members of the church were so sweet and there testimonies were very simple and pure. My friends there rallied around us and tryed to let us know that they loved all of us. It was a hard time, but such a wonderful time at the same time.
2.Five things on your to do list today-Laundry, clean house, get a new stove (yeah for me!!!), make Evan's baby food, and try and get through at least one chapter of my book. Wish me luck on that last one.
3.Snacks I enjoy-I really don't snack much. I love dried apricots and dried bananas though.
4.What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire? We would divy up the money between us and all of our family. It is no use being rich if all of your family is struggling for some money. Then I would buy a house in the Pacific Palacaids (gotta love Malibu). I would also start a foundation to help little kids in russia. Because of Charanoble, kids are being born with holes in there hearts and the familys don't have the money to pay for them. I would set up a foundation were I would try and help as many kids as I can get a patch for the holes in there hearts. Can you tell that I have thought of this before?
5. 3 bad habbits-I crack my knuckles, bite my toothbrush, and I talk to much when I take excedrine.
6. 5 places that I have lived: Morgan, Utah; Perm, Russia; St.George, Utah; Calabasas, Ca; and So. Ogden, Utah.
7.5 jobs I have had: I have been a waitress at Taggets through high school, a baker (that sucked), a nanny in Malibu, and then a mom. I havn't had 5 jobs. But if you count all I have to do as a mom, then I have like a million and one jobs.
8.5 things people don't know about me. I hate Malts, but I love Malt Balls. My mind automatically associates everything with something ealse. I can't help it, I just do it. Consequently I say alot of random things that makes sence to me but come out of nowhere for everyone ealse. I use to be in love with Jordan Knight form New Kids on the Block when I was eight years old. I even had the Jordan Knight Barbie doll. When we go out to eat, I always end up wanting what Chad ordered. (He always trades me meals, what a good guy, eh?) And, in public I am way shy and Chad does most of the talking, but at home I can't shut up and all Chad says is , "um hum", and the occationsal "oh nice."
Now I tag, Nikki, Kelly, Tiffany, and Rachel. Have at it girls!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Chasing my Shadow.

When I was a little girl, I would run from my shadow. My shadow would always be just one step behind me. If I jumped right, my shadow would jump with me. If I crouched down, my shadow would do likewise. I could never out run, or out wit my shadow. So I would turn the tables and chase the sucker. But instead of being on step behind me, my shadow seemed to be one step ahead of me. I soon found out that I could neither run from or chase my shadow. But if I just sat still, it would sit beside me. When I wasn't chasing or hiding, it was there.

It was just a childish game I would play, but as I grew, I chased and ran from something that, like my shadow I could not catch nor run from. I was alway just one step behind or ahead of it. I ran all the way to Russia trying to hide from it and I swam in the cold waters at the beaches in sunny California trying to catch it. It took me a long time to figure out that happiness could not be caught, nor could you run from it, or hide from it. You have to sit still long enough to see the small and simple things that when you run around are just a fuzzy blur. Things like the sound of my childrens laughter or the look in Chad's eyes when he is trying not to laugh at something I did. It could be the smell of summer on Lauren's skin or the dimples that crease in Evan's chubby hands. It is coming home after a long trip away and the cold of the sheets as you first crawl into bed. Happiness is not measured in dollars and cents, degrees and acalaides, but in love and devotion, smiles and yes, even the tears. For a long time, I didn't love myself enough to let happiness sit down beside me. I wasted years running and hiding, chasing and hunting. Then one day, I looked in the mirror and saw someone looking back at me that, to my surprise, I found out I actually liked. Then I sat down. Pritty soon, Chad came along and sat with me. Not long after that, Lauren and then Evan joined. I love my life, my family, but more importantly, I love myself.

Friday, April 4, 2008

My "Sophie's Choice"....

What would you do if you had to make a choice. One choice, you would loose your mother and brother and sisters, never to hear the tenor of their voice again. The other choice sits your husband and your little baby girl. And then there is you stuck in the middle, surrounded by people yet in a vast dark cavern in which you see no way out. No one in this situation will walk away happy. No matter what choice you make, the wake of that decision would breed heartache. I am talking about my Sophie's Choice moment. Amid an argument in my parents house in Morgan two and a half years ago, my mom presented me with that choice. If I tryed to make it work with my husband, the father of my child, the man I was sealed to for time and all eternity-if I went back to my husband's house, then my mom could no longer be there to support me. There was no happy ending, no life-altering lesson with soon to be out of date pop music playing in the background as the frayed edges became smooth. Life is not an episode of Dawson's Creek. There sometimes is no easy, clear answer. That moment, that day, something inside of me broke. And every doctor will tell you that if you break a bone and don't treat it, it can lead to a poisionous infection. I went to Chad and we ignored the festering broken bone. I would still try to be the bridge. I prayed everynight that next year for thanksgiving, next year for christmas, (or whatever holiday it happened to be,) that I will be able to sit down with all my family around me. Holding my husbands hand and laughing at some joke while in the living room at my parents home. But I wasn't allowed to bring Chad by or even mention his name. I wasn't allowed to try and explain certin curcumstances that had brought us to this point. I was being further pushed along to a resoultion that ment that I had to cut off the infected limb that housed that broken part of me. It was poisioning me and my relationships. I was tired of being in the middle of a tug of war. A year ago today was the last time that I talked to my mom. I cry and I hurt. I sometimes feel guiltly but I mostly feel sad. I do feel rejected. Like the ultimate rejection. How could a mother NOT support and uplift there daugter when she feels the lowest and the weakest, just because she is going to make a dession that she didn't agree with. I look at my lovely little Lauren. She has the exact same color of eyes as I do. She crosses her legs when she reads her books. She snores as loud as an old man! She is three and I am her world. She could do anything in this world, anything at all, and she would never loose my support. I don't always have to agree with the decisions that she makes, but Iwill always support my daughter because I love her and I am her mother. When we asked what my mom wanted for us when we grew up, all she would tell us is that she wants us to be happy. I am happy. I have a man who looks at me in a way that makes the pit of my stomache tighten. He has given me a life, a love, a home, a daughter and a son. I have all that I have ever wanted. My mom has never met Evan. It has taken me a while to realize tha mom doesn't always know best. All I can do is work on my family that I have created-Chad,Lauren, and Evan-and hope that one day she will realize, see and at least try to understand.