I found my answers

Again with my mom. Ahhh! But actually this is good. For years now I have been praying that I would be able to have a family dinner with my mom, brother and sisters as well as my husband and little kids. It seems like a reasonalbe request. Something that I think that most take for granted. I yearn to walk into my mom's house "just because" with Evan on my hip and Lauren trailing behind me and Chad holding open the door for me. I use to imagine Evan's first birthday, Lauren's baptism, and verious other milestones in my children's life. The thought that my mom, the woman who gave me life, would not be there, would just tear me up inside. She wasn't there when Lauren turned one,or when Evan was born, and she won't be there when Evan dives into his birthday cake for the first time in his life either. Sobs would actuallly rake through my body at the idea of all the lost time in the past as well as the future. Naturally, ever the book reader that I am, I turned to the written word to try and make heads or tails of our topsy-turvy relationship. The first book I came across soon after I lost contact with my mom was East, Pray, Love.

I can't really tell you what about the book helped me deal with my mom. I guess, there is a part in the book where she desperatly wants to talk to her ex-husband. She wants closure, the finally conversation they never were able to have. She realizes that she never will be able to. So she on her own released herself from any guilt or pain she was feeling and left it in the past. She no longer wanted that part of her life to continue to dictact the rest of her life. After reading that I knew that I had to start to let go. That knowledge and the action of it are two seperate things however. I don't want my mom to continue to have some kind of control over me.But you see, I still wanted her unconditional love and her approval. I started to realize that my longed for dream might just be that. I don't see how it would be possible to have birthdays, thanksgiving, Or Christmas with my mom and my family in that Normal-Rockwell-ish image in my mind. My prayers changed. I couldn't pray that we will end up in a christmas card like scene anymore. There is always the issue of free agency. No matter how much I desire it, my mom and my brother and sister still have their free agency. So instead I started to pray that I would understand why. I don't understand how a mother could turn her back on her child over a princible. How that princible is more important then the relationship. It just seemed to me like it went against anything that is maternal. Then a week after my prayers changed, I got a new book. sTori Telling.

I Know what your thinking. Seriously! sTori Telling? Come on. But I really like her reality show. I think I relate to the whole "my mom and I have no real relationship" aspect of the show. So for fun, I got her book. Again, I am a book reader and I love to read. As I was reading, I began to realize that my mom and her mom are the same person. (notwithstanding the billions of dollars) I felt a little releaved that there are other mothers out there like mine. I am not an isolated case. I use to think that there must be something wronge with me to have a mom, in essence, reject me. It is worse then the most unhealthy break-up from a guy. If your own mother rejects you then what does that say about you? If Tori Spelling could have a messed up relationship with her mom, then I could to. But there was still the not understanding part, and the irrational fear that Lauren and I would have a horrible mother-daughter relationship as well part to deal with. Then my Dad's wife bought me a book for my birthday. How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealilng with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities.

This book is bringing me some answers and understanding. It is like he took my mom as a case study for this book. I have had so many "Oh my gosh" moments while reading it. I understand now why I don't have uncondional love and acceptance from my mom. She can't give it. She uses it to control, as an inticement or reward for doing what she wants the way she wants it. I realized in reading this book that I grew up in that kind of enviorment. This hasn't happened in the last three years, it has been on going my whole life. I also know now that I will have a good relationship with my little girl. I feel like I understand and I accept it too. I feel at peace now. There is nothing I could have done to change this outcome except do it her way. And her way was to divorce my husband. There is nothing wronge with me, I am a good person, and I am in control of my life. It doesn't mean that I won't have hard days. I am sure that I will always hate mother's day and the month of April. I still might tear up every now and then when I see mothers and daughters shopping in the mall. But for now, understanding breeds a certin amount of peace. So, thank you Dr.Lund, Elizabeth Gilbert, and yes, even Tori Spelling. I have no given up on my "Norman Rockwell painting" scenerio, but it does not torment me anymore. I am happy with the little life and family I have created. Maybe it is with my kids and there kids where I will see my dream realized. I don't need answers now. Because I feel peace.