Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A Speacial Anniversery
I havn't bloged in a while and I am so tired tonight. Tonight is not the night that I would choose to write after my kids have all gone to bed. But I feel compelled to write a little something. I have known it all day, well about half the day. This day started out like any other. Evan is my alarm clock. And at 8:00, his calls from down the hall woke me up. We did our usual rotine. Breakfast, cartoons, outside play, lunch, and then Evan's nap time. This is when it hit me. Lauren and I sat down to do some crafts when I went to date the picture she had made. Augest 11th. Really? Augest 11th is today!! Wow, it has been 5 years. 5 years that Chad had had his heart opperation.
When I realized it, I really did start to cry. I remember watching the nurses wheel his bed into the cold OR and watching those doors close. Thank goodness that Chad's dad was right there because that is when I broke down. Lauren was growing inside of my tummy, we were so young. I just keept thinking that my last view of Chad might be that last glimps of him before those massive silver OR doors shut with a swish. I couldn't raise this little girl without my best friend by my side.
The whole day after that was a blurr. So few things that I remember. I remember riding in the elevator, listening to people talk, and more surprisingly-laugh. I was in such awe that there were people out there not full of worry. Somewhere there was a mother pushing her toddler on a swing. Someone holding there baby for the first time. At that moment there could have been someone taking a test, getting there mission call, getting fired, eating at a resturant, kissing in a parked car. Somewhere life was happening while my life was standing still. I wanted my Chad to be the father of my daughter. All day long I would protectivly shield my growing belly. I wanted to reassure her, or myself that all would be well. It was almost like I was trying to hold on to a piece of Chad. If I could just hold on to this little piece of him then I felt like I was there suporting him in the only way that I could.
I was surrounded by loving family, all of Chad's sister, his mom, mom #2 and his dad. Everyone was playing cards, talking about what they were going to make for dinner, the hot weather, anything and everything except about Chad-who was my anything and everything.
He made it through-obviously. When Dr. Long marched into the waiting room with a big smile on his face, I knew Chad was safe. A simple smile has never effected me to such a degree as that doctor's did. The recovery was long and very painful on Chad's part. It took months to fully recover, but we would never be the same after that. Everyday I am so grateful for him and the blessing of having him. He could have been a sad story and a bittersweet memory, but he isn't. He is my morning sun, my north star. He is the sorce of my greatest strength. He has definatly seen me at my worst, but he also brings out the best in me. Everytime I hear the tick tick tick of his heart as I lay in the dark next to him, I am filled with so much-there just arn't any words. His 10 inch bumpy scar that runs from just below his collar bone to just above his belly button is a forever badge of what we went through and how much we grew.
When ever I feel frusterated by him (because, lets face it-he is a guy), I remember that scar and think how close I came to losing him. I would rather have him around making messes where ever he goes (seriously, he is worse then the kids), then have a spotless house where I dusk of his picture everyday because that is all I have of him. I couldn't let this day-of all days-to go by without reflection and graditude.
Lauren always tells Chad that before she was born, she blew a kiss into Daddy's heart. I like to think that maybe she really did just that.