Thank you Mimi

My Conversion Story

I don't always stand up and let people know what is in my heart. I sit and listen through sacrament meeting, never thinking to get up myself and testify what I believe. I guess that that is what becomes of being such a private person. I believe that whether or not you are born into the gospel or baptised into it, you still need to become converted to it. I have not always had a conviction that the church is true. All through high school, I did all that a good little mormon girl should do. Never questioning, never faultering. But I can't honestly say that I knew then that the chruch was true. I just did all that I was taught to do. When I was 17 years old, I left home and I was on my own for the first time in my life. Something happened to me that made me question all that I had been taught. I didn't understand how something so bad could happen to someone who did all that I was asked to do. I saw it as my Heavenly Father turning his back on me. It made me wonder if the church really was true. What happened was so hard for me to deal with, that instead of trying to come to terms with it and let myself feel all that I needed to, I just shut down. I didn't want to feel anything at all. And to not feel, I couldn't pray either. It was easier that way.
Later on that year, I left the comfort of America and found myself in the unfarmilar country of Russia. An asult of strange sounds and smells hit me fericly as I walked out of the airport. The first sight that greeted me was an old badbushka releaving herself in the gutter across the street. The first night there, we stayed in a school in Moscow, sleeping in blankets on the gym floor. As the daylight turned to darkness, I heard many people cry out of homesickness. As for myself, all I could do is stare at the ever darkening ceiling. I was blank inside, having trained myself not to feel at all. Anyone ealse at 18 would have been scared and lonely in this unfarmilar land. But I was neither happy, nor sad. I felt no fear or comfort. I felt nothing at all.
I soon came to love Russia. I love the people, the language, the food, and the culture. It really is such a defining time in my life. It is where I grew up. It was the place that I learned who I was and all that I could handle. It is where I found myself again. About six months after the day that I steped onto Russian soil for the first time, I was now speaking fluently. I could barter in the marketplaces and I could hold my own in a conversation. Although I was told more then once that I spoke with a heavy American accent. But, hey, what am I going to do, I am an American.
One night while visiting Moscow, certin events led me to the concret cold floor of a bathroom, crying for the first time in over a year and a half. When you shut yourself off from feelings and then after a long period of time allow those feelings to live, the floodgates of emotions become overwheling. The onslaught of pent up emotions had a whole year and a half to become stronger and stronger. I couldn't bear all the different thoughts and feelings. I felt like I was being torn in half from the inside out. I was sure that every cell of my body was bleeding. An other event that I didn't let myself do for over a year was preformed that night, I prayed. But it was no humble prayer of submission and repentace. It was full of anger "How could you leave me alone like this. Didn't you know that I need you. When I needed you the most out of my whole life, you abandon me!! Don't you love me." I cried up into the ceiling. All of the sudden, in that cold country on that cold bathroom floor, I felt warmth so burning and powerful that I have no words in the English language to discribe it. I felt rather then heard the words "I was always here, it was you that left." Those felt words were so clear, I might as well have heard them.
Through it all, my Heavenly Father was still there for me. I might have slamed the door shut, but there he waited for me to open it again. Never walking away and never giving up on me. I might not always do all that I should. I am still learning, my testimony still growing. But I know that this is where I need to be, the church that I need to raise my children in. I may not be able to tell you when the church was organized and what Bigham Young said in the first confrece in the Salt Lake Valley, but I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me and will always be there for me. No mater how much I turn my back on him or how long I stop talking to him, in the end he will always welcome me with open arms and all the love of a father for his daughter.

Funny Girl Part 2

The other day at dinner, Lauren announced "Mommy, if I had a secert, I would tell you. But I don't have a secret. So I can't tell you." We thought that that was funny, but then a couple minutes later she proclaimed. "Ouhh, I have a secret Mommy!" Then she whispered in my ear "Mommy I love you". I then whispered back, "Lauren I love you" She looked up at me and said, "Silly Mommy, thats no secret!" Ha ha, silly girl!

Yesterday, Lauren was carring her purse around. She came up to me and said, "Mommy, do you want to see what I have in my purse?" She opened it up and it was empty. So I said "Oh Lauren, its so pretty. What is it?" She answered, "Its happiness and Laughter!" How cute!! Where does she come up with these things?

On the sweeter side-As we were driving to see Chad for lunch, and ambulance was coming up behind us. After it had passed and we were merging back onto the road Lauren said "Oh no mommy, that means someone is hurt. We need to pray for them." And then she said a little prayer. Did I teach her that? It was so sweet.

Some friends of my parents that I grew up with came by to visit Chad and I. They are both a little round in the middle section. Lauren was demure and quite through the whole visit, but as they were leaving she asked the wife "Do you have a baby in your tummy?" We all tryed to ignore it as they walked to their car, but Lauren didn't get her answer, so she said it louder-"Do you have a baby in your tummy?" Shhh, Lauren not now! Still no answer, so she ran out of the house and at the top of her lungs yelled "DO YOU HAVE A BABY IN YOUR TUMMY." I thought that they would never get in their car!! She may not have had a baby in her tummy, but I definalty looked like I had a sunburn!

She says the funniest things in the most honest way. I love my Lauren.

The Power of a Song

Music can touch your soul, make you cry, make you smile, and transport you in time. Everytime I hear Dido's "Best Day of my Life" I am taken back to dating Chad. I heard it on the radio on the way to his house. We went to the Santa Monica Pier and Third Street that day. It was magical. When ever it comes on the radio, I am transported to that time, that feeling. All the sudden I feel the wonder of new love all over again. Certin songs remind me of certin people. I took a trip to St. George when I was 16 with a friend of mine. It was the first time that I got to go on a weekend get-a-way all by myself. On the radio was Greenday's "I hope you had the time of your life.." song. It had just come out so we heard it at least 20 times on our 6 hour drive. And then when I found out that I was having a baby girl, Martina McBrides "My daughter's eyes" was playing in the background. To this day I can't listen to that song without tearing up. Simon and Garfunkles "Bridge Over Troubled Water's" will always conjour my father's face. He use to play it all the time on the piano when I was a little girl. I told him once that it made me think of him. Then when I was at the airport on my way to Russia as a young 18 year old, he sliped me a homemade CD. On it was just one song, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters." That CD got me through some hard times in that cold country. Listening to it made me feel like I was safe at home. When a crazy man held what appeared to be a homemad bomb to the head of Howard W Hunter at a BYU fireside, it was the power of a song that stunned the perpetrador to pause in his tracks. (We thank thee of God for a Prophet). I had sung the song "I see the Moon" to my kids since they were born. The first night that I held them in the hospital. I wanted them to know right away that I was blessed to have them. Now when Lauren gets scared, hurt, or if she is sick, she will tell me to sing the "Moon song" as she calls it. She asked me to sing it to her tonight. When I was done, she wraped her skinny little arms around my neck and said "I love you too mommy". The Power of a Song. What could a simple little song do. It could unite a nation, save a life, make you fall in love, and let a little girl know that she is cherished.

"I see the Moon and the moon sees me, the moon sees who I hope to see"


"God bless the moon and God bless me, and God bless the one who I hope to see"


"God sent you from up above, and he gave you for me to love" (Lauren as a baby)


"He pick you from all the rest"


"because he know I would love you the best"

I love you Lauren and Evan. I will tell you every day in every way advalible to me to express to you how much I love you. In a soft embrace when you fall, and a gentle hand to dry your tears. In an afternoon of cloud watching, and a night full of books. In every moment I dedicate to you, and yes, in a song on my lips. You are my angels. You give meaning to my life and stress to my days. I love you two more then words and music can express. I have no talent for singing, but you two are the most beautiful music I have ever created.

I for one and shocked!! And he seemed so masculine too. Huh.

More Dinosaurs.

Today we went to the Dinosaur Park up Ogden Canyon with Chad's mom, his sister Traci and Traci's little boy Carter. It was a lot of fun. It was a perfect day for it. Again, Evan loved the dinosaurs and Lauren loved playing with her cousin. Evan went right to sleep after we got home. All Lauren has done is lay on the couch, and I feel like I could go to sleep right now if I allowed myself too. I guess that is the mark of a really fun day, if you come home just exhusted. See, I am getting older!! We got some cute pictures I think. But trying to get a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a little 1 year old to all look at the camera at the same time is near impossible. But even still, I think that they look cute.
Lauren and Carter run up and down the slid for I don't know how long. They would come down laughing. Lauren yelling "Again" and Carter declaring "I got shocked". It was very cute. I keep thinking how it just takes so little to keep them entertained, but as I was thinking that, I also thought that there is nothing ealse I want to be doing. So I guess that I am easily entertained as well. (Lauren coming down the slid, Carter is right behind, and Grandma Nancy playing catcher).
Evan loves the swings and I love his smiles. After maybe 10 min, Evan started to nod off in the swing. It was cute.
Grandma Nancy and Lauren taking a load off after walking around all afternoon. Lauren loves her grandma so much.

Happy Birthday to me...

My birthday is on the 23rd of this month. I am not going to admit exactly how old I am. I am just old enough to decide that I am no longer going to say my real age to people. I will be perpetually in my twenties. Ahh, twenty-something, I will always love you. Chad got work off because he was going to surprise me with a trip to either Vegas or Wendover. I didn't care which one. It would add up to a weekend all alone, so flip a coin, heads or tails-I'm a winner! Unfortunately, we couldn't find anyone to watch the kids. So instead, we spent the day together. We took our little family to the Dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point. And it must be said, that good times were had. I love spending time with my family. They are the best decision I have ever made in my life! My husband and my little babies. How could life get any better? I highly recommend taking your little ones there. Lauren and Evan loved it. I was most surprised by Evan. He couldn't get enough of the dinosaurs. I have tried giving that kid balls, cars, and anything else that screams boy, and he just didn't seem too excited. But when we were at the museum, the kid came to life. He was so excited. He would chatter in enthusiastic gibberish. And he never got tired of looking at bones and rocks! I think my kid is going to be a paleontologist. This is Lauren showing us how a dinosaur walks. She was stomping with as much force as her little teny tiny legs could muster! So cute.
Evan just loved looking at all the little fossils. It was fun for me to see just how happy and excited he got over them.
I love love love this picture. I feel like one of the best things about being a mom of more then one is the growing bond between your kids that you get to see. Lauren loves her little buddy and is always trying to protect and care for him. And Evan adores his sister!
I love Lauren's cheesey face she gives in pictures lately. It is just so, well, cheesey.
Chad and Lauren going on a dinosaur hunt.

Evan just being fasinated with yet an other dinosaur.
Isn't this a sweet one too! At first she was afraid of it. Once we showed her that it wasn't real and that it really wouldn't try and eat her, then she loved it. She would hug it and cuddle it like it was a big stuffed animal. She has the sweetest little heart.
Look at the boy cruise.
I love watching my family enjoy each other. I wouldn't trade today for all of the alone time in the world. Birthdays change for me the older I get, as well as holidays. My life is no longer all about me. I want to see delight in Lauren and Evan's eyes. To see life through there eyes as they are learning and discovering the world for the first time is the best birthday wish I could ask for.