Friday, August 1, 2008

When I was reading the comments from the "Memory Lane" blog, one comment in particular stood out to me. It was Nikki's. She said that I had motherhood down to a science. First of all I am not sure which science book she is reading, and second-I think that I just have you all fooled. My evil plan is almost complete-are you thinking what I am thinking Pinkie? I look at Lauren, my sweet sassy little girl. I see so much strength in her and so much goodness. I hope she is strong enough and good enough to survive me. I don't know what I am doing as a mom. I am really good at pretending that I am on top of things, but I am one guess away from chaos and catastrophe. I make so many mistakes in one day. I give Lauren a lot of material to talk to Dr.Phill about. Some of you know about my relationship with my mom. My biggest fear is that Lauren will grow up and tell me that she doesn't want me in her life. It is a little unfounded what with her being just a little three year old. But it is a fear nonetheless. I can't shake it. I don't really have that fear with Evan. I think that because he is a boy it is different for me. I am grateful that kid’s memories at this age are selective. If I were a good mom, I would remember that this little piece of gross junkie looking feather is actually her fairy. I wouldn't break her heart by murdering that fairy (via the trash can) right in front of her. I would understand that when she says "just one more book mommy" she is really saying "I want to spend more time with you". How many years do I have left of her begging me to jump on the "sampoline" with her or dancing in the living room to the Disney princess CD with her dressed as snow white? If I were a good mom I wouldn't stress about the mounting laundry pile. I would focus more on the growing pile of books she wants me to read her. That is the work that I need to get done today, because tomorrow it could be gone. I look at all my friends and sister in laws and I see the mothers that they are. The words they use to soothe and the gentleness in there touch that they direct to there little ones. I wonder if I give my babies that kind of love and attention. I hope I do. I will probably continue to make mistakes, but I hope that I will be able to live up to Nikki's praise of my mothering skills. I don't really want to be perfect. Perfect is a little boring anyway. But I want to be loved and forgiven for all my faults and stumbles. I want Lauren to be able to depend on me as she navigates childhood and moves into adulthood. Maybe with all my mistakes, Lauren will fell like it is OK to make a couple. When I tuck Lauren in at night, we have this little ritual. I say "I am so happy to be your Mommy” and in return she says, with her little hand on my check, "I am so happy to be your Lauren". It is one of the sweetest moments in any given day, and one that I look forward to. Not only because she is in bed and now I can finally get to that book I have been reading. But mostly because her eyes are so earnest when she says those words. That phrase drips from her lips and stays in my heart all night long. It doesn't really matter how many mistakes I make as long as she continues to feel like she is so happy to be my little Lauren

6 comments:

Keri Mead said...

Oh I love your comments! I've heard you talk about your mother and the relationship, but I don't know the story. What happened? You're such a cute mom!

Justin, Michelle, & Colby... said...

That is so precious! I love your writing... Lauren in such a cutie. You are a great mom Melissa!

Rachel B & Carlie Z said...

Oh my gosh! I know we dcn't know each other very well at all but I have an "estranged" relationship with my mother (to be nice) and I struggle with Carlie too...hoping she will always love me. I'm totally crying right now. And I don't cry easily. You're wonderful Melissa!

Stacie said...

Ok....so you totally made me cry. You have such a way of putting life into words. This is how we all feel about motherhood and our babies, you have a talented way of writing about it. I love my girls so much and thank Heavenly Father every day and wonder why it was me that was lucky enough to be chosen to be the mother of such beautiful spirits. Ok....so now I am crying again. Love ya!!

Nikki said...

No one's perfect but you ARE such a good mom, and don't forget it. Now get your little butts out to CA, would ya?

John & Sherri said...

You have the best way of putting things into words- I can feel it! You are a wonderful mom- keep it up.