I have made a discovery as of late. It has been a 5 year journey to come to an understanding of how things are in my family. The reason I am writing it on my blog is two fold. My blog is my history, my thoughts, my feelings, and surprisingly, my therapy as well. Recently, my sister expressed her concerns to me for writing certain things on my blog, but it is the only form where I can be completely honest and transparent without feeling embarrassed. Also, I feel that the friends and family who have read my blog have helped me out through a lot of trying times. Your encouragement and support, though cyber, has made me feel uplifted and strong. You have been on this same journey with me.

I have, for many years, felt like there is something wrong with me. Something that is lacking and unlovable. I have worked hard in all my relationships to be all that that person needs. It goes beyond a "people pleasing" personality. I really have a fear that I am not good enough, and never will be. And therefore, I try so hard to be good enough. I always feel like a little girl around people. It doesn't matter who or how old that person might be. I always feel inferior. I have struggled with that. I am smart and capable. I am good at things, I am good at a lot of things as a matter of fact. I am an artist and a writer. I am a good mother and wife. Everything I decided to learn, I pick up on quickly. But all that doesn't seem to matter. I always feel like a little girl. I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I always feel like an outsider. My relationship with Chad was the first time in my life where I felt like I belonged, it felt like I had finally come home. I feel like I can be myself without judgment of ridicule. He makes me feel safe to be me, all of me, the bad as well as the good. He loves it all. But for most of my life, I really felt like an observer and not a participant. I am working on that as well. I feel unworthy of praise. I don't think that what I do and who I am is worth praising. I can't take a complement. I am always waiting for the "but.." to follow. I know that no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. There is always a flaw to work on. I am not telling you all this so that I can get sympathy or so I can wallow is self pity, I am just saying that this is how I am. Chad has worked hard through out the years of our marriage to try and get me to see what he sees in me. He has worked to help me see the me that I am. I can honestly say that I like myself a little more each day because Chad points out all the good things I do on a daily basis. He constantly builds me up. I sometimes wonder where I would be without him in my life.

I tell you all this because I am now understanding why I have these traits. Where they come from and how they were built through out the years. I always thought that this rift between my mom and I started the day that I married Chad, but I was wrong. It started the day that I was born. I was surfing the internet, trying desperately like I have been trying for the past 5 years, to understand what went wrong with my mother and I, when I came across a sight about Characteristics of a Narcissistic mother and I was floored. Everything from the way I was raised, to my family dynamic now (in relation to my siblings), as well as lack of self worth that I have been battling through out the years were all spelled out on that web page. I have since done more research and I am more convinced that my mom is a narcissist. I am also very much aware that some of my family would very much disagree with me. They would argue that my mom was doing and saying these things out of love and concern, but it is not an act love and concern to cut your daughter and her family out of your life. I have been reading forms and visiting sites these past couple of weeks and I am just astounded at the similar experiences, thoughts and feelings that all these women who have had narcissistic mother's share with me.

I share this discovery with you because it makes me feel like there is nothing wrong with me. I feel free of this cage that I have lived in. This cage built of guilt of the feelings of lacking. This cage called "not good enough". How would it be to live your life feeling not good enough for you own mother, the one person who should be giving you unconditional love and support? Well I am done living in that world. I have already lost my mother, my sisters and my brother for doing nothing more then standing up for what I believe to be right. The only thing I have left is my own truth and I refuse to color it in a shade that would please my mom. It might not be pretty, but it is real. Now that I know the truth, I have this lightness about me. I feel free. I have still felt under the control of my mom all these years. I also know that people will believe what they want to believe. All I can do is know my truth and try to live as authentically as I can to that truth. And this is my truth.

I have an amazing husband who puts my needs above his own as a life style, not an obligation. He looks at me and feels just as lucky as I feel to be married to him. Wow, what a gift. I have these two kids whose imagination, innocence and zest for life is a lesson and a joy to me everyday. I am consistently learning and growing in their presence. I no longer fear that my relationship with Lauren will turn out like mine and my mother's relationship. It is so important to me to make my children feel loved, not to satisfy my own self, but to give them a gift of unconditional love. They have no requirements to meet, no obligations to fill, no ego to satisfy. They only have to be themselves, whatever that self may turn out to be. I don't care. I just want them to know that their mother loves them for who they are and not what they can do for me. And I hope that Lauren meets and marrys someone as good and kind as her dad. This is my truth.

I do know that this isn't an end to my journey, just an other door to walk through, an other understanding met. I need to take this information and continue to heal and grow. But it is such a good start to finally understand. I feel peace now. Mostly because I have stopped blaming myself. I look back on things and I see words I said that I wish I could unsay, but I know that I did what was right. Every time Evan smiles, I know I made the right decision. Every time I feel this baby move inside of me, I know I made the right decision. Every time I see Chad read a book to Lauren, I know I made the right decision. I am a lot stronger then I have always thought. I thought I was weak. But I am not. I thought I was always wrong, always flawed, never good enough, lacking in all areas, but I was wrong. I don't know if I could ever have a relationship with my mom. But for the first time in 5 years, I feel like the decision is in my control, my choice. Whenever I am sick, I apologize to Chad for feeling sick. Whenever I couldn't get around to the housework, I apologize. Whenever anything happens that may or may not be my fault, I apologize. For my opinions, my thoughts, my deeds, my actions, my existence, I apologize. Chad has always tried to work with me about not apologizing for certain things. It's ok to be sick, and if I am tired, then it's ok to take a nap. I am done apologizing for things that are out of my control. (easier said then done. But at least I am aware now)

I have so much information and feelings swimming around inside of me. I know that this is a long post, but it really is the tip of the ice burg of all that is going on inside of my head right now. Everything makes scene now. Every confusing childhood memory now has an explanation. There really is freedom in truth, even if that truth is an ugly truth.

If anyone is interested in the Charactoristics of a Narcissitic mother, here is the website that I found. here