Christmas time highs and lows

I was so excited for Christmas morning. I was like a kid in a candy store. The presents were stacked under the tree for weeks as if to mock both myself and the kids with the reality that all good things come to those who wait. I was excited for two reasons. I don't know if most of you remember, but Chad and I couldn't even afford food last year, let alone Christmas for our kids. It was a heartbreaking reality to confront. It was humbling and humiliating to realize that you can't get for your kids even just a basic Christmas. Some friends stepped in to give our kids what we couldn't. And I vowed that year that if we ever get out of this, I would do all I could to pay it forward because there was no way I could pay it back. It was the sweetest most selfless thing for all of you to do. Help came in many forms, from supportive e mails and phone calls, to presents for our kids, food at our door, and gift cards. Last year, I truly understood that phrase, "It takes a Village" because without our little village, Laruen and Evan would have had nothing that year.
So this year, it was fun for me to be able to buy my kids their Christmas this year. I tryed to do it smart, I paid cash for everything, and I started shopping right after Halloween. It was fun for me to watch the tree slowing fill up with wrapped gifts. Christmas morning couldn't come soon enough, and when it did, it was everything I hoped for. The kids loved everything. And I loved watching the magic of Christmas through there eyes. (especially since mine where still a little foggy from sleep deprivation.)
What made this Christmas hard was family drama. I haven't written about my ongoing hurt and struggle with the rejection I feel from my mom for a while now because as time goes by, I am learning to deal with it. In many ways, the letter my mom wrote me earlier this year with a message that left much to be desired (here) was a little bit of closure for me. I know that people don't just change. They have to want to change. It was a lesson for me that although I am her daughter, it was more important for her to be right. Although, all I wanted was her, not an apologize. Just a fresh start. But even a fresh start would require her to swallow some pride, a price that was just to high even for me. I haven't cryed or worried about my mom in a while. After all, my little sister was still around. Or so I thought.
I found out through post on facebook that she was in town. I found out through old friends and acquaintances, but I didn't find out through my sister herself. And if I am being honest, it isn't the first time that she has done this. Once, I called her to say hi and found out that she was at the airport in Salt Lake, on her way home, after a week long visit. It hurt. I didn't want to ask my dad if he knew she was in town because I didn't want him to feel the same hurt. But when he called on Christmas Eve to see if I was still coming over on Christmas day for lunch with him and his wife, he mentioned how Natalie wouldn't be joining us because she was to busy spending time with all of her husband's family and didn't have time for her side of the family this trip. Somehow I knew it was a lie and so did my dad. He only found out she was in town because he had called her to wish her a Merry Christmas. As hard as it is for me, I feel for my dad. It would crush me if Lauren did that to me or to Chad. It was devastating for me yesterday. All those feelings of rejection and hurt, all the wondering about what is wrong with me, all the abandonment issues I have had to work through for the past 5 years came rushing on my with full force. I cried to Chad in the car all to his sister's house in Herriman later that evening. It was a Christmas full of highs and lows.
When my step sister Sirena gave me a present at my dad's house on Christmas, the emotions were almost to much. Here is a girl that I have only known for three years of my life, and she was showing me more love then my sister. My sister in laws were full of hugs and love when I showed up to Chad's families Christmas party. And I know that if we were in California this year, that all of my adopted California family wouldn't treat me like an outsider, they would sincerely be to me what family ought to be.
Bloodline doesn't mean a thing. It should. Even if I made every bad decision in the book. My family should be like "Dude, I know that she is a crack whore, but she is our daughter, sister, niece, cousin..ect." Unfortunately that doesn't always happen. Besides, my only true "mistake" was to listen when I prayed, to follow what my heart told me to do against all odds and reason. Isn't that what walking in faith sometimes requires anyway? I am proud of the decision I made even if so many in my "family" still maintain their belief that I have fallen into a hole of dispare and abuse, no matter the evidence to the contrary. I am proud that I was strong enough to do what I believed to be right. I haven't regretted that decision at all. I have regretted my family's response, but that is part of having free agency. No matter how long or hard I pray for a different reality, they still have the freedom to think and act how they wish. And I will give it to them because it is something that I wish they would have allowed me to do. I love my sister, always have and always will. But I am done trying and hurting. She can call me and I will be so happy to hear from her. But I am done calling, and trying to get together. We have a relationship because it is me doing all the work. I want what so many take for granted, the friendship and companionship of a sister. So I pushed to keep it alive. But when you are the only one who is doing all the work, it starts to not work. Like now. I have so many people who are willing to step in and fill the gap. I think it is about time that I start to work on those relationships. I am worth it after all. And it is time that start believing that.