Monday, January 31, 2011

Reece's Room.

I had bought some paint so long ago to paint a room upstairs for Lauren and Evan to share, but we just never got around to it. Mostly because there is still some wall paper on the walls, and peeling wall paper sucks! But I so want them to have a real room. Currently, Lauren shares a room with the tread mill. Not a fun room for a 6 year old. On top of that, both her and Evan have been begging to share a room for about a year now. I totally understand that someday soon, instead of hearing them play and beg to share a room together, I will hear a raised voice or two declaring "get out of my stuff!!" quickly followed by a slammed door. So I think, for the time being, why not let them share. It came more urgent to get an other room set up when we found out that we were adding to the Triplett household. (the room I want to use for Lauren and Evan holds all our junk that has been in boxes since we moved in 7 years ago). I also sooo want Chad's bow flex to have a room of it's own so that I can have a dinning room. This weekend, we decided (by we, I mean me) that we were going to just paint the walls in Reece's room (which Evan is a current resident of), get Laruen and Evan set up in there, and then work on the big room for them next. It will give us some more wall paper peeling time. So that is what we did. We still need carpet. I am putting aside some of my tip money each week. I am hoping that in a couple of months we will have enough to carpet the room. But the kids don't seem to mind to much. And they love to share that room (so far).



Lauren and Evan were such good little helpers! They were experts on globbing the walls as much paint as their paint brushes could hold. They did such a good job of it that all Chad and I had to do was come behind them and smooth out all the paint. Not once did we have to apply paint to the walls ourselves. They had so much fun and I loved the fact that they got to paint their own room.

Arn't they the cutest little painters you have ever seen? I love the paint on Evan's face. It makes me smile.

After we get enough together to get some carpet in that room, I am going to put on this decal on the wall for Reece.

When we were putting the paint on the wall, I was slightly disappointed at first. You couldn't see that the paint was blue. I wanted a light blue, but it seemed like it was just a barley-there-almost-white-kind-of-blue. But after it had time to dry, it was a nice shade of blue, not to light but defiantly not to dark either. Just perfect for a little baby boy. Lauren and Evan wanted to sleep in there the next night. So all that is in there for now is Lauren's mattress, Evan's toddler bed and a bunch of books and blankets. I think that I will keep it that way for a while. When Reece is born and Lauren and Evan are across the hall in the bigger room, I will do it all up to look like a cute modern nursery. And Lauren and Evan will have a bunk bed that my dad has stored in his basement and a nice room for the two of them. I just don't want to set up that room all cute for only a couple of months, only to switch it all out again.

The Simple Things.

Everyone seems to be chasing something. Money, prestige, acclamation, whatever. I think that people believe that if they get more money, prestige or acclaim, they will be happy. But I don't think that is true. I think you find joy in the little things in life. There is a reason why people say to take time to smell the roses. My kids have taught me how to look at things and just take the time to see the beauty and joy in a moment. The simple things, like a bright pink sunset.

The bills might be due, the car might need new breaks, the washing machine could totally be on it's way out, but that doesn't mean we can't take a quiet moment to stand in awe of a sunset. Take a lesson from my little ones and enjoy the little beautys all around us, I did.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I have made a discovery as of late. It has been a 5 year journey to come to an understanding of how things are in my family. The reason I am writing it on my blog is two fold. My blog is my history, my thoughts, my feelings, and surprisingly, my therapy as well. Recently, my sister expressed her concerns to me for writing certain things on my blog, but it is the only form where I can be completely honest and transparent without feeling embarrassed. Also, I feel that the friends and family who have read my blog have helped me out through a lot of trying times. Your encouragement and support, though cyber, has made me feel uplifted and strong. You have been on this same journey with me.

I have, for many years, felt like there is something wrong with me. Something that is lacking and unlovable. I have worked hard in all my relationships to be all that that person needs. It goes beyond a "people pleasing" personality. I really have a fear that I am not good enough, and never will be. And therefore, I try so hard to be good enough. I always feel like a little girl around people. It doesn't matter who or how old that person might be. I always feel inferior. I have struggled with that. I am smart and capable. I am good at things, I am good at a lot of things as a matter of fact. I am an artist and a writer. I am a good mother and wife. Everything I decided to learn, I pick up on quickly. But all that doesn't seem to matter. I always feel like a little girl. I never feel like I fit in anywhere. I always feel like an outsider. My relationship with Chad was the first time in my life where I felt like I belonged, it felt like I had finally come home. I feel like I can be myself without judgment of ridicule. He makes me feel safe to be me, all of me, the bad as well as the good. He loves it all. But for most of my life, I really felt like an observer and not a participant. I am working on that as well. I feel unworthy of praise. I don't think that what I do and who I am is worth praising. I can't take a complement. I am always waiting for the "but.." to follow. I know that no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. There is always a flaw to work on. I am not telling you all this so that I can get sympathy or so I can wallow is self pity, I am just saying that this is how I am. Chad has worked hard through out the years of our marriage to try and get me to see what he sees in me. He has worked to help me see the me that I am. I can honestly say that I like myself a little more each day because Chad points out all the good things I do on a daily basis. He constantly builds me up. I sometimes wonder where I would be without him in my life.

I tell you all this because I am now understanding why I have these traits. Where they come from and how they were built through out the years. I always thought that this rift between my mom and I started the day that I married Chad, but I was wrong. It started the day that I was born. I was surfing the internet, trying desperately like I have been trying for the past 5 years, to understand what went wrong with my mother and I, when I came across a sight about Characteristics of a Narcissistic mother and I was floored. Everything from the way I was raised, to my family dynamic now (in relation to my siblings), as well as lack of self worth that I have been battling through out the years were all spelled out on that web page. I have since done more research and I am more convinced that my mom is a narcissist. I am also very much aware that some of my family would very much disagree with me. They would argue that my mom was doing and saying these things out of love and concern, but it is not an act love and concern to cut your daughter and her family out of your life. I have been reading forms and visiting sites these past couple of weeks and I am just astounded at the similar experiences, thoughts and feelings that all these women who have had narcissistic mother's share with me.

I share this discovery with you because it makes me feel like there is nothing wrong with me. I feel free of this cage that I have lived in. This cage built of guilt of the feelings of lacking. This cage called "not good enough". How would it be to live your life feeling not good enough for you own mother, the one person who should be giving you unconditional love and support? Well I am done living in that world. I have already lost my mother, my sisters and my brother for doing nothing more then standing up for what I believe to be right. The only thing I have left is my own truth and I refuse to color it in a shade that would please my mom. It might not be pretty, but it is real. Now that I know the truth, I have this lightness about me. I feel free. I have still felt under the control of my mom all these years. I also know that people will believe what they want to believe. All I can do is know my truth and try to live as authentically as I can to that truth. And this is my truth.

I have an amazing husband who puts my needs above his own as a life style, not an obligation. He looks at me and feels just as lucky as I feel to be married to him. Wow, what a gift. I have these two kids whose imagination, innocence and zest for life is a lesson and a joy to me everyday. I am consistently learning and growing in their presence. I no longer fear that my relationship with Lauren will turn out like mine and my mother's relationship. It is so important to me to make my children feel loved, not to satisfy my own self, but to give them a gift of unconditional love. They have no requirements to meet, no obligations to fill, no ego to satisfy. They only have to be themselves, whatever that self may turn out to be. I don't care. I just want them to know that their mother loves them for who they are and not what they can do for me. And I hope that Lauren meets and marrys someone as good and kind as her dad. This is my truth.

I do know that this isn't an end to my journey, just an other door to walk through, an other understanding met. I need to take this information and continue to heal and grow. But it is such a good start to finally understand. I feel peace now. Mostly because I have stopped blaming myself. I look back on things and I see words I said that I wish I could unsay, but I know that I did what was right. Every time Evan smiles, I know I made the right decision. Every time I feel this baby move inside of me, I know I made the right decision. Every time I see Chad read a book to Lauren, I know I made the right decision. I am a lot stronger then I have always thought. I thought I was weak. But I am not. I thought I was always wrong, always flawed, never good enough, lacking in all areas, but I was wrong. I don't know if I could ever have a relationship with my mom. But for the first time in 5 years, I feel like the decision is in my control, my choice. Whenever I am sick, I apologize to Chad for feeling sick. Whenever I couldn't get around to the housework, I apologize. Whenever anything happens that may or may not be my fault, I apologize. For my opinions, my thoughts, my deeds, my actions, my existence, I apologize. Chad has always tried to work with me about not apologizing for certain things. It's ok to be sick, and if I am tired, then it's ok to take a nap. I am done apologizing for things that are out of my control. (easier said then done. But at least I am aware now)

I have so much information and feelings swimming around inside of me. I know that this is a long post, but it really is the tip of the ice burg of all that is going on inside of my head right now. Everything makes scene now. Every confusing childhood memory now has an explanation. There really is freedom in truth, even if that truth is an ugly truth.

If anyone is interested in the Charactoristics of a Narcissitic mother, here is the website that I found. here

Thursday, January 6, 2011

20 weeks down...20 to go...

I have reached the half way point this pregnancy. I will be honest with you, it has not been fun. You know when people ask "How are you feeling?" Are you ever honest with them, or do you tell them, "Oh I'm great! Just fine."? Because I do the "Oh I'm great! Just fine." thing. I don't think they really want to hear me vent about all my aches and pains. I know the real definition of 'grin and bear it' (or is it bare?).

I have massive heart burn. I literally feel like I am being burned alive from the inside out. And I have tried everything for the good old tums to apple cider vinegar. I had heart burn with Lauren and Evan as well, but this time it's like the apocalypses is happening inside my chest! I can't breath at all. This is something that I try and explain to many. Everyone always comments on how small I am while pregnant, and I am, I'm lucky that way. But the reason why is I carry my kiddos in my back. The up side is I have never worn any kind of maternity clothes, the down side is, from 4 month on, I breath like a 80 year old smoker. And forget about energy, it's just a lost dream. And my morning sickness has just followed my from my first trimester into the second. That is a new development from my last two pregnancies. And not a fun one. Evan says on a daily basis "Oh I have heartburn Mommy, I gonna throw up."

But even with all the pregnancy woes, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face. I complain, but I do it in a whimsical way. I love the feel of Rhys doing gymnastics in my belly. I love that I push on my belly, and I always get a little nudge back. It's like a little game we play together. I love Lauren and Evan's little figures on my belly, and the light in their eyes when they feel Rhys kick. It has been 3 years since I was pregnant last. And for every heart burn attack, and interrupted night sleep, there is a little kick and flip going on in my tummy. Kind of like a little reminder or encouragement that all good things come to all of us who endure the bad. There is opposition in all thing. So I might not always like the little bumps and headaches that comes along with pregnancy, I do love all the rewards, and that makes all the difference.

(umm..for my sake, lets just pretend that I have make up on and my hair done in this pictures. Let's just pretend that I look amazing and lets not point out that you can see how tired I am because it is written all over my face. Thanks guys.)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What was she....doing....?

An amazing thing happened last night, Lauren fell asleep BEFORE ten last night. I went in to check on her and this is what I saw...

If your thinking "What the.." then your not alone. I ran out to grab the camera and Chad. I couldn't stop laughing. Silly girl!

We laughed for like 10 min. And everytime we thought we had things under control, all we had to do was look at her again and we were a mess of giggles all over again. I totally realize that we are her parents, therefore, this little night time scene is alot more amusing to us then it might be to the average viewer. But I still had to share. Funny girl! I wish I could fall asleep with a "slap-in" bracelet on my mouth and be totally comfortable too.

She had been playing with her make-up the last time we checked in on her. I think she just must have closed her eyes for a second, and then was out. We, of course, removed the bracelet from her mouth after we took many pictures and had our good laugh. I love kids..they just do the funniest things.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

6 years of lessons in love

Lauren is this amazing little girl who teaches me new things everyday. The most important lesson she has taught me is the way to love sincerely. And in response, I have a small understanding of what my Heavenly Father must feel for me. This love like no other came into my life 6 years ago on the night of December 29th, 2004. I got to hold her little body in my arms for the first time. I felt my heart melt and grow all at once. And every day since then, my heart has continued in the whole melting and growing process. She shows the simple joys of the flight of a butterfly can bring, or the soft breeze on my face as I gazed at the ever changing shapes of the clouds above our heads. She has taught me the ability to laugh at myself and to not take myself to seriously. The imaginative way she looks at this world and her always sunny side up attitude has made me realize that life is about the little things. Like the two marshmallows stuck together, or the joy of being the one who gets to eat the last cookie. The pleasure of coloring outside the lines, or the dance party in our living room. She is nothing but joy. And she is my joy. I love my Lauren and everyday I feel such humility that I get to be her mother. What an insurmountable honor it is to be the one that gets to watch her grow and mature. Happy Birthday my little girl. I love you with all my heart.

We have been battling this horrible cold that seems to be more co-dependent then Brittny Spears. But Lauren woke up so excited that on this day, she was 6. She said "yesterday I was 5, but not today. Because today I am 6!" So I ask you, how could we just let this day pass sitting in front of a humidifier smelling of Vicks Vapor rub? The answer, there is no way we could. So we draged ourself out of the house and into the car to celebrate. But our first stop was up to Morgan. Evan had a dentist appointment. And yes, I know that there are capable dentists just down the street from me, but I have been going to the same dentist since I was in high school and it is fun for me to take my kids there too. It was Evan's very first Dentist's appointment and the kid was a champ. He had no cavities. When we told them that we would like them to take x-rays of his teeth to see if everything was good, they let us know that 3 year olds just don't do x-rays, but they would try. Evan totally rocked it! (and everything is good).

On our way home, Chad had me check the movie times at the Megaplex. We were in luck, Narnia was about to start, so we booked it over there. We had fun. We spent way to much on candy and pop corn and totally self indulged in the name of celebrating Lauren's birthday.

I love how we spend money on seats, but Lauren and Evan always end up sitting on the steps.

All day long, Lauren kept mentioning that she wanted to go to Applebee's. When we asked her if we could just go to McDonalds instead, then her and Evan can play, she said no. She wanted to go eat somewhere where they sing to you on your birthday. She we went to Applebee's. She was so happy. She didn't even touch her food. She sat there the whole time in anticipation of the servers coming out to sing to her. It was all she wanted and almost to hard for her to wait.

(remember when you look at this frightful picture of me that we had been battling epic colds)

Ironically, the last time that we went to Applebee's, it was in the middle of a snow storm and on Lauren's birthday, there was a snow storm. And Evan got the pleasure of seeing a snow plow in the parking lot again.

Then when the anticipation was almost more then Lauren could bare, they came out singing and clapping and it was all for her. Her eyes were literally shining. We couldn't have gotten a bigger smile for her if we had gotten her the world. It was her own personal cloud nine. See, the simple pleasures are the greatest.

She has been nothing but a joy for the past 6 years of my life. Everyday I wonder how I could be so lucky to have such a fun, quirky, sweet, tender-hearted little girl in my life. She literally is my dream come true. I love my Lauren.