Every morning I wake up with the weight of the world swimming inside my chest. My arms and legs feel heavy and my stomach is under attack by a swarm of butterflies. The day that lays before me seems like a long hard road, and the thought of starting it is overwhelming. I feel shame and guilt as well because I have what everyone wants. I have a loving husband and three beautiful children who are happy and healthy. I thought that this time around, the nasty postpartum depression that always comes on the heels of having babies had past me by. But it was just a little late in coming. I know that I should be happy and spend my time drinking in the joy of my little newborn baby boy, but the heaviness that I am living with pulls me under sometimes. It really is hard for me because I am always such a happy positive person. I seriously can see the bright side in any given situation, and I have had some difficult times. And as difficult as this situation is, it is no different. I can still find one little bight spot, Reece. I would do it all again and a thousand times more just to hold that little guy in my arms. There is a reason that I have such a large age gap in between each of my kids, I don't like feeling this fog around me. I don't like feeling like I am walking through mud all day long. The one thing that saves me is my babies. It took me a long time to realize the first time that what I was experiencing and feeling was postpartum depression because I was (and am) so in love with the new life I held in my arms. Their little crys would always bring me back to this world. In fact it was for that reason alone that it took me until Lauren was 6 months old before I figured out what was wrong with me and to seek help. My wonderful doctor had told me that you didn't need to exhibit all the symptoms to have it, just the majority. I am telling my story because I hope that maybe it could help someone else. There is a surprisingly high percentage of moms who experience PPD. I am now taking some pills which I like to call my "happy pills" to help battle this ugly thing that has come into my life once again. The good news is, I know within a matter of months, I will be my happy optimistic self again. I have good days (like today) and I have bad days (like yesterday) and soon, one day, my good days will out number the bad like any other normal person out there. And that is when I will know that I am back. I hate to sound like some sort of public service announcement, but if you have ever felt these kinds of feeling after having a baby, don't wait to get help. Just talk to someone. It really does make life easier if you just attack this unwelcome invader so you are able to enjoy your children. There really is no shame in it, as shameful as you might feel. My kids deserve a happy mom, and that is something that I will fight for to give them. Because not only do they deserve a happy mom, but I deserve to be happy. And I will be again. I know it.