Every morning I wake up with the weight of the world swimming inside my chest. My arms and legs feel heavy and my stomach is under attack by a swarm of butterflies. The day that lays before me seems like a long hard road, and the thought of starting it is overwhelming. I feel shame and guilt as well because I have what everyone wants. I have a loving husband and three beautiful children who are happy and healthy. I thought that this time around, the nasty postpartum depression that always comes on the heels of having babies had past me by. But it was just a little late in coming. I know that I should be happy and spend my time drinking in the joy of my little newborn baby boy, but the heaviness that I am living with pulls me under sometimes. It really is hard for me because I am always such a happy positive person. I seriously can see the bright side in any given situation, and I have had some difficult times. And as difficult as this situation is, it is no different. I can still find one little bight spot, Reece. I would do it all again and a thousand times more just to hold that little guy in my arms. There is a reason that I have such a large age gap in between each of my kids, I don't like feeling this fog around me. I don't like feeling like I am walking through mud all day long. The one thing that saves me is my babies. It took me a long time to realize the first time that what I was experiencing and feeling was postpartum depression because I was (and am) so in love with the new life I held in my arms. Their little crys would always bring me back to this world. In fact it was for that reason alone that it took me until Lauren was 6 months old before I figured out what was wrong with me and to seek help. My wonderful doctor had told me that you didn't need to exhibit all the symptoms to have it, just the majority. I am telling my story because I hope that maybe it could help someone else. There is a surprisingly high percentage of moms who experience PPD. I am now taking some pills which I like to call my "happy pills" to help battle this ugly thing that has come into my life once again. The good news is, I know within a matter of months, I will be my happy optimistic self again. I have good days (like today) and I have bad days (like yesterday) and soon, one day, my good days will out number the bad like any other normal person out there. And that is when I will know that I am back. I hate to sound like some sort of public service announcement, but if you have ever felt these kinds of feeling after having a baby, don't wait to get help. Just talk to someone. It really does make life easier if you just attack this unwelcome invader so you are able to enjoy your children. There really is no shame in it, as shameful as you might feel. My kids deserve a happy mom, and that is something that I will fight for to give them. Because not only do they deserve a happy mom, but I deserve to be happy. And I will be again. I know it.

Better Late then never

With me back at work and now a whopping THREE children to take care of, I am just a little behind on posting. So I am just going to pick a place to start and go from there.

A little over a week after Reece was born, my cute sister in law had her little boy, Lucas Dean Nicolay. He is just the cutest thing and looks just like a perfect blend of Kari and James. A lot was happening right around that time. My brother in law Ryan was just a couple of weeks from being deployed to Afghanistan and my other brother in law Billy, was visiting from Las Vegas. It is a rare occasion when all 6 of the siblings are in one place at one time. So even though little Lucas was only a week old and our little Reece was two weeks, we got together and celebrated the new babies, and Billy being in town, and to have a big farewell to Ryan. (which btw, he got news that he didn't have to go after all. which disappointed him but made the rest of the family super happy!!) Here's some pictures from that get together.

All the cousins, (except for D.J)
Kade, Sammie holding Reece, Jayden, Lauren, Rylee holding Lucas and Ella, Carson, Lincoln, and Evan. So many little boys!!



Sammie and Rylee holding Lucas and Reece. (Lucas is in the stripes while our little Reeces Pieces is in the green). Little newborn babies are just the sweetest and they bring out the tenderness in just about everyone who holds them.

We had dinner and entertainment while we were there. Kade sang to us in a twang reminiscent of Johny Cash. He sang us songs of Thomas the Train. It was so cute!


Accepting his applause:


It was just fun to hang out with family. I love Chad's family and all the love that they have and share generously.

Grandma Nancy playing with Evan and Ella.

Don't mess with Jayden when he hasn't had his nap! He'll bust a cap on you! (from his cap gun :) )

No, really. All Chad said was "Hi Jayden." I swear I heard Jayden reply "Are you talkin' ta me?"

"I don't see anyone else here..." We love Jayden!! He sure is a cute kid.


Our cute little Reeces pieces is so cute! I can't get enough of him! He makes the cutest facial expressions. I love this kid! And I love it when he stretches!



It was cute to watch all the little ones play. I remember when Chad and I first got married, there was only Sam, Rylee and DJ. And they were 6,4, and 2. Now there is a house full of children, mostly little boys, whenever we get together. Lots of noise and chaos. I love it!





And even though we love any excuss to get together with our family, we really are so happy that the main reason..Ryan deploying to Afghanistan...no longer exists. We love Ryan and we want him to be safe. Even if he is disappointed, we are all relieved.


It was so fun to see the newest little cousins side by side. Reece was born on May 11th and Lucas was born on May 20th. I love that I got to share this whole pregnancy experience with Kari. She is such a special person with so much capacity to love. She has always shown me that love and kindness. She is such a cute little mommy to her little guys, Lincoln and Lucas.

(just keep in mind when looking at this picture, I just had a baby..I am working on getting all tight and toned again..I will get there!! This was taken just weeks after Reece was born, so...that is my excuse.)
We thought it would be fun to take a picture with Traci and her little girl Ella who is 9 months old. It is crazy just how much bigger Ella is, and yet, they are so close in age.


It'll be fun to see these little ones grow. And we all know that these little babies grow so fast!! Reece already looks like a different little baby then he did just 2 weeks ago. And I know that as I am watching my little kiddos grow, I am going to have a whole village of a family out there watching and cheering us on as well.

Just one more reason I love being a mom..

I was playing around on the computer when I heard two little monsters, walking slowly down the stairs, giggling all the way down. "Mommy look." They both tried to say in between spasms of laughter. When I turned around, Lauren had on my church boots and Evan had on my work shoes (they look like ugly men shoes). "We are a mom and a dad..." which for some reason made then laugh more. They are so funny. I wish I could laugh for 10 minutes straight simply by changing my shoes.