As I walked to the mail box today, my stomach played host to a swarm of butterflies taking flight. I was very anxious. Why would the mundane task of retrieving your mail bring on so much unease, you ask? It is because over a week ago I finally got up the courage to write a letter to my mom. A five page letter. Such a long letter. But one that was full of all of the emotion and self-truth that I held deep inside the hurt I carried around for almost 4 years now. It couldn't have been a quick note, even if that is all I wanted to author. I poured my soul into that letter. It took many hours of tears and prayers to finish that letter. I put my heart on paper, stuffed it into an envelope, and sent it off in the mail. No matter the hurt my mom caused, the realizations about the relationship I thought I had, the years of silence, the confusion, through all of that-I still want a mom. Because any kind of mom is better then no mom at all.
I held Evan in my arms today. His whole body curved into mine as I comforted him. His tears soaked into my shirt. After a few moments of soft whispers and tight hugs, he was fine. He crawled off my lap and went back to his temporary forgotten task of playing. I love that boy so much. Who knew that these little people that we bring into this world could have such a hold on our hearts. My life will forever be tangled up with Lauren and Evan-and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have got to think that my mom thinks the same about me and my siblings. I have to feel that she held me and dryed my tears. She must have looked on me as I tossed sand around in the sandbox and felt for sure that there was no way she could do with out my laughter and tears in her life. I have to, or ealse it just hurts to much. But if I believe that, the this separation, this estrangement that has icked it's way into our world makes no sense at all.
I walked to that mailbox. My heart was full of fear and hope. I fear a response and I hope for one all at the same time. I fear and I hope for an empty mailbox at the same time. I am scared of what she could say and I yearn to know what she is thinking. I have opened a can of worms by sending her that letter. I know that there are things I said in it that she would be hurt by, things she would disagree with, but they are my truths. I know that if she decides to respond, there will be things in her rebuttal that I strongly disagree with. But even so, shouldn't there be a first step? And isn't the first step always the hardest to take? I fear a relationship with my mom and I hope for it. I fear and I hope. That is all I do when I think of my mom. Fear and hope.
In case you were wondering, my mailbox was empty today. I first felt relived. I have been granted a stay for at least one more day. But then that relife was met with sorrow. It has been over a week. A week with an empty mailbox.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry . . . this has to be so hard. On a much more minor scale, I poured my heart out to a friend I'd been very hurt by, and now over a week later I still haven't heard anything back from her. It's so unspeakably painful to have someone you care about show no concern about your obvious pain. I know it's not as one-sided as that, that everyone feels pain, which is a big part of the 'non-response' issue, but it is so hard to be on the receiving end of being ignored. I can't even imagine if it was someone I truly loved like you love and miss your Mom. You're both in my prayers!
I don't know what happened between you and your mom, but I hope it turns out alright. I can't imagine anyone not loving you because your such an amazing woman and mother, love you girl!
Hopefully it will come. And hopefully you two come some how work everything out. You have done your part (opening the lines of communication) now being patient is going to be a trial in it's self. You can do this, I know you can. Your such a strong woman.
Lots of Love,
Rach
When did you send it? If you sent it a week ago then she's probably only had it like 4 or 5 days....and she's probably just wondering what to say back and how to say it. It might take her awhile to ponder her thoughts and then send one back. Keep hope - you've made a HUGE first step! and keep praying. You're doing much better than me. Loves!
As you said in your comment, "Because any kind of mom is better then no mom at all," I so don't agree. If she is going to be someone who is hurting you or your family and creating conflict in your family, between your children and spouse it really is best to not have that person around. Just my opinion, and you'll get through this, as hard as it may seem today a day will come when this will be the past.
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