The Ugly Side of Motherhood.

"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class."
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This morning as I lay dreaming, I was soaking in the sun on the beaches of Porto Rico. I watched crabs scammer by on the rock just inches from my bare feet. The water is so clear and delicously blue that I can see fish swimming around in there own little world below. The air is so fresh and clean that as I breath it in, I can feel it travle through me. In the sky, there is a bueatiful sea gull in flight. As he cirles the ocean below, he opens up his mouth. But instead of a high pitched "caw", I curiously here a "beep, beep, beep.." Before my half way uncontious mind can understand how that bird can make a beep-beep-beeping noise, a giant mass yelling "Mommy, I'm hungry" plumets on my stomache. And....the beach is now gone.

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers."
-- Edgar Watson Howe


I can't be the only person out there whose rose colored dreams of motherhood is slightly more full of sunshine and smiles then the harsh reality. I look on blogs and see nothing but good times and happy faces. I, on the other hand, spend most my days frazzled and unorginzed, but still post the sunny side of motherhood for all to see. I don't want people to look at everything and think-Wow, how does she do it, she has it all together. If I was being 100% honest with everyone, I would say that I don't do it, and if I do have everything together then it is being held together with a very thin taunt sting that at any given moment will snap.

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."
-- Jane Sellman

I have a couple of confessions to make.
#1. Sometimes when I need a moment to myself, I put on a cartoon for Lauren and Evan, then I go to my room, lock the door, and blissfully close my eyes. I know that T.V should not be a babysitter, but a stressed out Mom shouldn't be one either. At least that is what I tell myself.


"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore Hesburgh


#2. Three mornings ago while Chad was getting ready to go to work, I started to cry. All I could think about was the day ahead. I woke up with a migrain and I felt so overwhelmed. I knew that once I step from my bed, it would be close to eight at night before I could reasonably relax. To Chad's credit, he listened and praised me for all I do. Sometimes it is just nice to hear that someone apperciates all the work you do. For me, that day, that was all I needed.


"There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


#3. Everytime my kids throw-up, my first reaction is not a nice one. I hate throw-up, and although I am not mad at my child for throwing up, I am not that gracious about having to clean it up. All those crazys out there that told me it is different when it is your own child, well I have one word for you-liar! It is no different. I hate throw up, no matter whose mouth it comes out of. Chad is throw up cleaner if he is home. I comfort the sick child while Chad cleans up after the sick child.


"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
-- Mark Twain


#4. I use to be cute once. Or at least I use to feel cute. I don't feel so cute anymore. I understand that I need something that is outside of harth and home to call my own, I just havn't found it yet. I am not a scrapebooker, and I am tone deaf. I will find an outlet though. I think every one needs one.


"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
-- Agatha Christie


After reading this post, you might think that I am bitter and disappointed with my life, but you would be wronge. I love my life. I have an ability to look on the bright side of everything. Every now and then, life pulls my under, but then I can always resurface and take a deep breath. I love my babies and even though no one told me how difficult motherhood could be at times, I am still loving the job. If I knew then what I know now, I would still be over the moon with excitment about finding out I was pregnate for the first time. I knew how hard it was, and still I got pregnate with Evan-on purpose. And I still know how hard it is, and I still want more kids. I told you about the morning I woke up crying, but I really didn't finish the story. Because, while I was crying to Chad, Lauren crawled into bed with me, as she often does early in the mornings. She put her teny tiny hand on my check and wiped away my tears. Those little buddles of ours have the ability to make tears appear from no where, yet they also have the power to dry those same tears.


"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)


I know I can't be the only one who has bad days, but I am also sure that I am not the only one whose good days surpass the bad ones. I know that I am not the only one who has to dig down deep within my self to find the energy to be a mom, but I also am pretty sure that I am not the only one out there that looks at my children and feels an abundance of love-so deeply and fully that sometimes I am surprised my heart can hold so much. I am not the only one how throws my hair back in a pony tail daily, and calls it good. But then again, things like nice hair and fancy cloths really don't impress little ones. They think it is so cool if you can sound like the cookie monster, or if you know all the wiggles songs. It doesn't matter that you are singing tunlessly in an old pair of sweats. I heard once that children spell love with four letters T-I-M-E. And as long as we are willing to give them that, then they unconditonally love everything about you. Even when you have a break down, those little ones of yours are the first to come with there skinny arms to wrap you in and their big hearts to forgive.

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us when adversity takes the place of prosperity when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
--Washington Irving

Although the beaches of Porto Rico is a nice dream to have, I wouldn't change it for my reality. Because there isn't a creative mind out there whose visions of heaven can match the tenderness of a child's unceasing and nonjudgemental love.