You have got to understand. It never leaves me. I can go on with my life, I can laugh, I can play, and I can smile. I really am happy all the time. I often wonder if that is a blessing I didn't know that I would need untill now. You know how there are "glass is half-empty/half-full" kind of people? Well, Chad always jokes that I am a "just happy to have a glass" kind of a person. And he really is right. I see blessings all around me. I see blessings in my daughter's smile and infectious laugh. I see blessings in the arms of my little boy as he reaches for me. Most of all I see blessings in Chad's eyes in the way he looks at me, or in the sound of his voice as he says my name. But even with all that, it still is always there, in the back of my mind. It is always lurking around the corner. I try to escape it, but I can't. I know that I write alot about it, but I just can't help it. I feel broken, lost, alone, abandoned, and forgotten. Even as I celebrate all the little milestones that my babies make, even as I celebrate my good fortune to have such a man as my husband, and even as I rejoice at the life I have made with my little family, it is there. It really confusses me. As I dive deeper and jouney futher down this road called "Motherhood", it just gets more confussing to me. I know that she loves me, how can she not, I am her daughter. Maybe she loves me because she is supose to, because I am her daughter. It hits me from nowhere. And when it does, it hits hard. My grandma called me on the phone about a week ago, and ever since then, I have been half expecting a letter or a phone call or something from my mom. Nothing ever came. It isn't the first time that I have gotten my hopes up for some kind of absolution that never came. It is like being regected all over again. I do my blogs, take pictures of my daughter, declare to the cyber world about just how cute I think she is. I laugh at the funny things she says and I run to her at night when she crys out. I hold her tight and rock her gently. I play "princesses" with her and I read her books. I color pictures with her and I play with play dough. I send her to time out and then hug her to reasure her that she is still my precious baby girl. As I do all of these things, I know that she did the same for me. And I know from the hurt in my heart, that the need for a mother's love and acceptance never goes away. The only thing that changes is the way that we express that need for our mothers. I am just a little confussed, kind of like my writing tonight. But she didn't only remove herself from my life, she took with her my sisters and my brother. My sister was my best friend and now I am always looking for something to fill the void that they all left behind. Part of me really hopes that my mom does read my blog. I really wish she would have written me a letter. I wish it with all my heart. I wish it and I fear it at the same time. I am not sure if I know how to have a relationship with her anymore. But I would love to be given the option.