Thursday, August 28, 2008
The noise, the whinning, the constant chaos. That is motherhood! From the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed (and sometimes, in the darkness of the inbetween time), I am running and working. I once told my dad that I proboly couldn't tell you what I do exactly in the course of one day, but I know for sure that I don't get a chance to sit down. And I only have two kids. I love the TLC show Jon and Kate plus eight. Kate is my parenting guru. I am not organized, creative, or clean. (I can't for the life of me keep up on housework. I am clean, just not put away) I don't honestly know how she does it. I really think that we are given all what we can handle. I definatly could not handle six-three year olds. I can barley handle one! Chad and I were watching an episode last night where all eight of there kids were whinning at the exact same time. All I could do is laugh. It made me feel so much better about my life! Lauren may whine (and she is a champion whiner. I say, go with your talent. And she definatly has a talent for it!) but I only have one. I don't get it from all sides. So here is a shout out to Kate, and for that matter, all the mothers of toddlers out there. I feel your pain and I know your struggles. We are not alone. Motherhood is not and easy job. But look at the rewards. If you are feeling not so hot, maybe like you are stuck in a perpetual grounds hog day senerio, take a good look at your kids. Weather they are playing, sleeping, or fighting. You made that little monster! They have your eyes, your smile, your hair, your heart. I want a pause button on life so badly. I want to slow down this magical time with Lauren and Evan. I want them to cry over dumb things and cry loundly at that. One day there tears will come for more heartbraking reasons. So cry on my little ones. Because like that Country song reminds us, your gonna miss this.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Everyone know about my "Mommy Dearest" issues. Today has been hard for some reason. Somedays are. I am not sure what makes one day harder then the next. I don't understand what the causes are for our problems, and days like this I always look back on the past three years and think to myself, what could I have done to change the course that we now follow. Was there a small moment that could have fix everything that I missed. I know that I blog about this alot, but it is my therapy. I can't afford a shrink, but the internet is within my budget. I could easily just wallow in my own self-pity. And if I were being completly honest, I would have to admit that I did my fair share of wallowing today. One thing that always cheers me up is the smile on my children's faces. So to break out of the funk of a mood I let myself fall into, I decided to go through some family pictures. Then I saw some of my Daddy. My Dad is my silver lining. He is always there, always understanding, and always keeping me from feeling like an orphan. I have always been a Daddy's girl. He is wise and gentle, strong and steady. He is an overgrown teddy bear. When my mom banished Chad from the family, my Dad would still come visit. I am blessed because some people have lost both parents for one reason or the other, but I still have my daddy. I love you dad, and no matter how old I get, I will always be your little girl.
I almost always take the time to do Lauren's hair everyday in some sort of up-do. She is such a little Diva, we need a hairstyle to fit the persona. People ask all the time how long her hair is now. So I thought that I would show everyone. I am nervous to cut her hair because I am afraid that her cute little baby curls at the bottom won't grow back. She in almost four years, she has necer had a haircut. I think I will cry the first time I will be forced to cut her hair.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
LAUREN: My little blonde Fancy Nancy. She prances around the house with a song dancing off her lips. She grandly enters the room every five minutes in a diffrent princess outfit. She watchs out for her little brother and crys when she thinks he is hurt. She terrorizes the poor cats by using them as pillows. And she chases Radley around the house trying to give the poor dog a make over. She demands to be read to and messes up her room 5 minutes after it has been cleaned. Her heart is so pure and she loves so honestly. She is the best of me and I am in awe of her goodness on a daily basis.
Evan: He is a cuddler. His smile is so quick and genuine. His laugh starts out deep in his belly and scatters like chimes into the room. You can't help but being affected by its magical sound and add your laughter to it too. His dimples and rolls are full of love. And I get to hold that buddle full of love anytime I want to. I see Chad in his eyes and myself in his smile. He is a mirror of all that Chad and I are.
They are my life made from my love for Chad. They breath and laugh and love and sing and sigh, all because one day in institute some girl asked Chad if he liked my hair. And arn't I so blessed that he did. They are my kids. More apart of me then I could have imagined. When they hurt, I hurt. When they cry, I cry. When they laugh, I laugh. When they smile I smile. I never thought it possible. How can a mother leave the room when her child crys out? Is it really possible that even though your child is made from you, that you can't even see yourself in their eyes? I don't understand the probablity of it. Lauren likes root beer, and I hate it. But when she looks at me, the sun shines from her eyes. We don't have to agree. We don't have to like the same things. As she grows from a tenatious little toddler into a crabby teenager, I have no doubt that there will be many disagreements. We don't always have to see eye to eye, just as long as our hearts are on the same page. My heart will always follow my children where ever life takes them. They carry a little piece of my heart in there heart. I would say that all I want for Lauren and Evan is happiness, but that is not enough. I want them to know that they are my little treasures, and I will always ALWAYS cherish them. I have found my family. Sometimes you have to make one to find one.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The older I get, the more I understand how important good friends are. I am not going to say just how old I am, all I will say however is that I watched with a nation as The Challenger lite up the sky and rescue workers escavated a well to save baby Jessica. If you don't know what I am talking about then I am older then I realized. But that is neither here nor there. I degress. I am talking about girls, girls, and more girls. Chatting, laughing, and eating. No baby talk, no dishes to do, and no cleaning. Just a nice night out. I am such a private person. It is hard for me to open up to people and let them see me. When I find people that I can do that with, I want to hang on to them. They are little treasures. Thank you for letting me be me.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Every now and then, a moment comes along that you would wish would last forever. When I dated Chad, I had hoped that he would be a good dad. But lets face it, when you are blinded by the hormonal surge of new love, it is hard to see past the butterflys in the stomache. Some people come away from their first year of marraige a little stuned at what they got themselves into. I am lucky. My stunned astonishment was not because I was disappointed in what I had to look at when I opened my eyes in the morning, but quit the opposite. I love that every morning I am greeted with the sight of my best friend laying beside me. I love Chad more today then I did when I said I do. And he is a wonderful daddy. His little girl is so sure that he hangs the moon out into the sky everynight to shine on her as she sleeps. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I should just shut my mouth and let you see for yourself the love a little girl holds in her heart for her daddy.
Friday, August 1, 2008
When I was reading the comments from the "Memory Lane" blog, one comment in particular stood out to me. It was Nikki's. She said that I had motherhood down to a science. First of all I am not sure which science book she is reading, and second-I think that I just have you all fooled. My evil plan is almost complete-are you thinking what I am thinking Pinkie? I look at Lauren, my sweet sassy little girl. I see so much strength in her and so much goodness. I hope she is strong enough and good enough to survive me. I don't know what I am doing as a mom. I am really good at pretending that I am on top of things, but I am one guess away from chaos and catastrophe. I make so many mistakes in one day. I give Lauren a lot of material to talk to Dr.Phill about. Some of you know about my relationship with my mom. My biggest fear is that Lauren will grow up and tell me that she doesn't want me in her life. It is a little unfounded what with her being just a little three year old. But it is a fear nonetheless. I can't shake it. I don't really have that fear with Evan. I think that because he is a boy it is different for me. I am grateful that kid’s memories at this age are selective. If I were a good mom, I would remember that this little piece of gross junkie looking feather is actually her fairy. I wouldn't break her heart by murdering that fairy (via the trash can) right in front of her. I would understand that when she says "just one more book mommy" she is really saying "I want to spend more time with you". How many years do I have left of her begging me to jump on the "sampoline" with her or dancing in the living room to the Disney princess CD with her dressed as snow white? If I were a good mom I wouldn't stress about the mounting laundry pile. I would focus more on the growing pile of books she wants me to read her. That is the work that I need to get done today, because tomorrow it could be gone. I look at all my friends and sister in laws and I see the mothers that they are. The words they use to soothe and the gentleness in there touch that they direct to there little ones. I wonder if I give my babies that kind of love and attention. I hope I do. I will probably continue to make mistakes, but I hope that I will be able to live up to Nikki's praise of my mothering skills. I don't really want to be perfect. Perfect is a little boring anyway. But I want to be loved and forgiven for all my faults and stumbles. I want Lauren to be able to depend on me as she navigates childhood and moves into adulthood. Maybe with all my mistakes, Lauren will fell like it is OK to make a couple. When I tuck Lauren in at night, we have this little ritual. I say "I am so happy to be your Mommy” and in return she says, with her little hand on my check, "I am so happy to be your Lauren". It is one of the sweetest moments in any given day, and one that I look forward to. Not only because she is in bed and now I can finally get to that book I have been reading. But mostly because her eyes are so earnest when she says those words. That phrase drips from her lips and stays in my heart all night long. It doesn't really matter how many mistakes I make as long as she continues to feel like she is so happy to be my little Lauren